I don’t know what it is, or why it comes. The sadness. The grief. The pain. Out of the blue, it’ll just hit. Sometimes can shake it off, sometimes I can’t. More and more it’s been, I can’t shake it off. But I hide it well. Oh so well, until something happens, something is said, and I’ll explode. Sometimes the explosion is small. Sometimes it’s nuclear. It grips you, takes hold, and slowly smothers you. It’s all encompassing.
Something inside of me turned off when my mother died. A spark I had died with her. So many regrets, so many things that I want to say to her, just so many things. I blame myself still. People can’t understand that. I made that decision to take her off life support. I killed my mother, and I know that is not the correct thinking.
The logical side knows this. The logical side knows that when you told her “It’s okay, you can let go, I love you but you can let go, so you can be finally pain free”. The logical side knows she heard you, saw the tear drop down her face, that she knew she was not alone. But does not change how it feels. I can’t talk to people about it. They look at me like I am crazy. They expect me to just STOP feeling this way. Well, I am sorry. I can’t.
I am sorry to my wife. She doesn’t understand, and I know she is suffering in her own ways because of me. I’m so sorry I just can’t. I am praying things get better. Hoping things get better. I want things to get better.
But right now. I’m just, sad.